The first of my interest in quality control has challenged me while working as an intern for electronic company. The development of this interest traced in my career at XXX Thailand, where I seemed to have had a desire to learn how business grows
During my job at XXX, I was a member of Six Sigma improvement projects. This projects were dealt with reducing costs and decreasing risks. I acquired a lot of knowledge discussing a group in the use of techniques and the teamwork and also considered the problem solving method combined with quality tools which definitely assisted to an improvement in the quality of the output. After a detailed analysis, I presented my report to the management in the next meeting. They were pleased with my efforts and pleasantly surprised at the cost of the project. It was comparatively less than what they had anticipated
In university, quality control and industrial management have been two of my most challenging and interesting courses. These two classes have not only focused on the scientific theories, but they have also opened my eyes to the practicalities of science. In addition to my wok in university, I was determined to concentrate on quality control during my final year project.
The first of my interest in quality control has challenged me while working as an intern for electronic company. The development of this interest traced in my career at Samsung Electro-Mechanic Thailand, where I seemed to have had a desire to learn how business growing.
During my job at Samsung, I was a member of Six Sigma improvement projects. The projects were dealt with reducing costs and improving profitability. The projects help me become so knowledgeable about my customers. Knowledge of what is important to customer becomes the focus of improving projects that should be reduce costs and enhance customer satisfactions. I acquired a lot of knowledge discussing a group in the use of techniques and the teamwork and also considered the problem solving method combined with quality tools which definitely assisted to an improvement in the quality of the output. After a detailed analysis, I presented my report to the management in the next meeting. They were pleased with my efforts and pleasantly surprised at the cost of the project. It was comparatively less than what they had anticipated
The undergraduate curriculum introduced me to various courses. Quality control and industrial management which particularly captured my interest have been two of my most challenging and festinating courses. These two classes have not only focused on the scientific theories, but they have also opened my eyes to the practicalities of science. In addition to my wok in university, I was determined to concentrate on quality control during my final year project.
While the highly diverse of assignments has helped me gain about business, it has not been possible for me to study specific business and technology which related issues in depth. I realized that in order to be able to comprehend about business, I need a better understanding of the various facets of management. Equally important, I need further training in research methodology.
The first of my interest in quality control has challenged me while working as an intern for electronic company. ********************* Not clear... Try: My interest in the field of quality control started when I was working as an intern at .... I'm not sure whether "electronic company" here is the same as "Samsung". If so, you should state it. If not, you should provide the name of the company. ***********************
The development of this interest traced in my career at Samsung Electro-Mechanic Thailand, where I seemed to have had a desire to learn how business growing. *********************** I found this sentence unclear and quite difficult to understand. What kind of interest are you talking about? I'd suggest you to write a few more sentences about what you had done as an intern and why it made you become interested in this particular field.
During my job at Samsung, I was a member of Six Sigma improvement projects.
Try: At Samsung, I was one of the staff members responsible for the Six Sigma improvement projects. ******************
The projects were dealt with reducing costs and improving profitability.
Not clear... What kind of project is it? How were the projects conducted? What was your responsibility? *********************
The projects help me become so knowledgeable about my customers.
Do you mean...The projects helped me know more about the customers? If yes, you need to be clear in what aspects that you know more about them. ************************
Knowledge of what is important to customer becomes the focus of improving projects that should be reduce costs and enhance customer satisfactions.
I think that the sentence is not clearly stated. Aren't the aims of your projects to reduce cost and enhance customer satisfaction? If yes, that means you know about it even before you started the projects. What did you really "know more" about your customers?
************** I acquired a lot of knowledge discussing a group in the use of techniques and the teamwork and also considered the problem solving method combined with quality tools which definitely assisted to an improvement in the quality of the output.
I think you need to rewrite this sentence. It's too long and quite confusing. You might need to split your sentences into simple sentences. Some words used here are not very well chosen: Ex: "considered the problem solving..???", "assisted to an improvement??? Reading it out lound to yourself might help. *************
After a detailed analysis, I presented my report to the management in the next meeting. They were pleased with my efforts and pleasantly surprised at the cost of the project. It was comparatively less than what they had anticipated
Was it "your" report or the group's report? I don't see whether your project accomplished its goal here. From what you said, the management people were surprised simply because you and your group spent less money than they expected for the project. But you didn't say anything about the outcomes of the projects...for example did it improve customer satisfaction?
The undergraduate curriculum introduced me to various courses. Quality control and industrial management which particularly captured my interest have been two of my most challenging and festinating courses.
You should be careful about the transition from the previous paragraph. You jumped the focus too quickly. Also, try to make your sentence concise. For example, "Quality control and industrial management were the two courses I found challenging and fascinating." ************** These two classes have not only focused on the scientific theories, but they have also opened my eyes to the practicalities of science.
They not only enhanced my knowledge about scientific theories, but also opened my eyes to the practicalities of science.... But you did not explain what you meaned by "practicalities of science". You should give a least one example to support your point. ***************
In addition to my work in university, I was determined to concentrate on quality control during my final year project. What do you mean by "I was determined to concentrate..."? What did you actually do for the final year project?
While the highly diverse of assignments has helped me gain about business, it has not been possible for me to study specific business and technology which related issues in depth. I realized that in order to be able to comprehend about business, I need a better understanding of the various facets of management. Equally important, I need further training in research methodology.
A few points about this paragraph need your attention.
1. Avoid using "big words" if you're not sure about how to use them. 2. This paragraph is not appropriate for the last paragraph. You might consider moving it somewhere else. 3. You still need to elaborate more. I think it is too short and not quite convincing.
SOP ครับ ช่วยติ-เเก้ไข(Grammar) ด้วยครับ
