ความคิดเห็นที่ 10
I was the other woman By Maggie Kim I grew up watching those sleazy, made-for-TV movies whose storylines usually involved a home-wrecking hussy (usually bottle-blond) who unleashed havoc on a happy marriage with her cheap charms and gold-digging ways. As a Catholic-school-bred teenager, I couldnt imagine what would drive someone to steal another womans man. So imagine my surprise when a scant decade later, I became one of those hot-to-trot hussies, involved in a scandalous love drama with no happy end in sight.
The Other Woman holds a unique, nearly invisible place in society and when it comes to affairs, the blame, shame and scarlet letter are squarely placed on her shoulders. I dont have much defense for my actions other than the naïveté some would say, stupidity of being a young woman who believed herself madly in love with the man of her dreams, who just happened to be married.
In those TV movies, the wanton woman usually gets whats coming to her, whether its a jail sentence or an overwrought gunfight in which shes the loser. In real life, I can tell you that the end is possibly even more painful than most breakups. Unlike a rift with an actual boyfriend, you wont get much sympathy for your shattered heart because if anyone knew of the relationship, he or she most likely disapproved, and theres not even the solace of knowing that your ex is as miserable and alone as you are. Because you know hes gone back to his home and his wife. Here are some other hard lessons youll learn if you date a man whos spoken for.
Lesson #1: Its about sex, not love As romantic as a head-over-heels love affair can first seem, it ultimately devolves into tawdry and quick assignations during his lunch hour or as his post-work workout. He already has a relationship and simply doesnt have the time to cultivate another one. When youre so rushed for time because he has to get home for dinner, theres not much you can do together but have sex, explains Sue C., 31, from New Jersey. So he comes over, you have sex, talk for a bit and then he showers and goes back to his wife. Cuddling? As if. And isnt luxuriating in the post-sex afterglow one of the best parts about intimacy? Granted, affair sex is almost inherently hot because of its forbidden element, but once that wears off, youre feeling alone and empty.
Lesson #2: Dont call him, hell call you What I hated most about having an affair was that I couldnt reach my lover when I wanted to, gripes Katya G., 29, from New York City. I couldnt call his office because he didnt want anyone there to know about me or have any suspicions and, of course, I didnt even have his home number. And if he didnt want to talk to me, all he had to do was turn off his cell phone. It drove me crazy that Id have to wait for him to call me back when it was convenient for him. I can sympathize with her problem since I went through the same thing. Even though I could reach my married man via cell, I didnt call too frequently in case his wife was around. Hed usually ring me up for a brief chat when he stepped outside his apartment for a smoke. And those brief chats just dont satisfy your need for emotional reassurance after yet another sex (and nothing but sex) encounter.
Lesson #3: Saturday night? Try Wednesday afternoon Get used to staying in. Its not a cliché that youre sneaking around when youre having an affair. Theres no such thing as a romantic dinner out or strolling hand-in-hand in the park together. You may be in love, but you certainly wont be shouting it from the rooftops or even from any neighborhood bar. We could never go out, especially on the weekends, says Sue. Obviously, Saturday night was date night for him and his wife, so there was no way that was happening. Mainly, hed come over to my place sometime during the week and wed maybe get a few hours to hang out together. Those were our dates. For me, too, the only time wed get to go out in public would be when his wife was out of townand it was usually at a dive bar or hole-in-the-wall restaurant where there was no chance of us running into anyone we knew. The food was never that great, either.
Lesson #4: Youll get plenty of alone time Affairs are bad and everyone knows it, so when you start one, you become pretty selective when it comes to telling anyone about your new boyfriend. I remember telling a few close friends, and as hard as they tried to be supportive, I knew that they didnt understand, were disappointed, or completely disapproved. So I went into secret mode and didnt tell anyone where Id be or what I was doing, in case I was with him or in case he was calling me to let me know he could come see me for a bit. It was very isolating to not be able to share something so huge, and emotionally painful, that was going on in my life with my friends. At the same time, I was so obsessed with when Id be able to see him again that I freed up my schedule entirely, forgoing time with friends, so I could be available when he was. And thats just sad.
Lesson #5: Get ready for gut-wrenching guilt If you have any sort of conscience, the guilt of what youre doing will gnaw away at you. As much as I tried to justify my affair as the price of true love, the presence of his wife soon became very concrete and unbearable. Hed have to call her sometimes from my place to explain away his lateness, and Id go into the other room and feel seedy. I also spent an inordinate amount of time on Google, looking for pictures, history, anything about this woman who was my rival as well as the blameless victim in this whole mess. I think thats what eventually led me to breaking off the affair. I couldnt deal with the guilt of it and the harm I was causing another woman, whether she knew about it or not. I also knew hed never leave her. And in hindsight, I dont think I wanted him toand thats really the only positive thing I can say about the whole mess.
Maggie Kim is a reformed Other Woman. Shes also a rock musician (maggiekim.com) who got a lot of song material from her sordid past.
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MJ_Creek
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8 พ.ค. 50 19:07:40
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